Dispatches from a Dying Empire

Dispatches from a Dying Empire

Fascism for Fools and Buddy Fuckers

Or the tale of Donny Diapers and his bootlicking servant Krazy Kegsbreath

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Penfist
Mar 30, 2026
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man holding a fishnet
Photo by Fredrik Öhlander on Unsplash

A convicted felon and an alcoholic are running the United States military.

Let that land.

A man with 34 felony convictions is the commander-in-chief. The man he appointed to run the Pentagon — Pete Hegseth, call him Kegsbreath, he’s earned it — couldn’t get confirmed without seven Republican senators going on record about his drinking, his sexual assault allegations, and his general unfitness to be trusted with anything more consequential than a remote control.

His second wife had a safe word. Not a metaphor — an actual code she could text to friends and family to signal that Pete Hegseth was drunk and volatile and she needed someone to come get her. She used it. She hid in a closet from him. This is in a sworn affidavit, signed under penalty of perjury, submitted to the United States Senate. In 2017, a woman told California police that Hegseth blocked the door of a hotel room with his body, took her phone so she couldn’t call for help, and refused to…

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